The Ballad of Fear

Back in the day when dirt was just new,
There were dinosaurs, Fear, and then there was you.
The cavemen, they marveled at the hair on your face,
But you knew eventually that you’d find your place.

At a college called Lehigh you’d make your new lair,
And swore that you’d never ever leave there.
Four years, five years, six years, and then
You stayed to feed on the youth of young men.

Fear, oh Fear, creepy, old Fear.
I can’t help but wonder why you’re still here.
I’m sorry; the elderly just aren’t that fun;
You’ve been on the composite since nineteen-ninety one.

Greasy and overly-long is your hair,
If you open your mouth, those around you beware!
When you start to speak, you just don’t shut up.
I’m praying for the other team to sink the last cup.

You show naked pictures of girls on your phone,
Probably because you’re so old and alone.
Back in the day before Lincoln was shot,
Those girls may have been considered hot.

What exactly you’re studying, nobody quite knows.
But we all wait around while our fear of you grows.
So now we’re all wondering when you’ll be finished.
Hopefully it’s before your whole life is diminished.

The Minge

It was a quite typical Saturday night;
The students all nursing their drinks with delight!
Consuming large amounts of alcohol.
As for myself, I did nothing at all.
But as I remained with a book in my hand,
Two strangers were traversing this Campus Land.
It was too dark, their faces were lost.
Thank goodness, lest our hero recognize the cost
Of his drunken-debauched hookup-to-be
“The Minge” she was called, by those who could see.

Slowly she crept under the stars;
Tearing our hero away from the bars.
Though it was cold there was no despair;
They swiftly descended upon their dark lair.
Alas! They found the door was stuck!
Even the gods frowned upon this soon-to-be fuck!
A message was sent quickly o’er the wires
To draw a young woman away from warm fires.
“Can you please open the door?
It’s too light and I can’t stand her face anymore!”

And so the woman gracefully descended.
How could she know the doom she portended?
It took her a while to deal with the lock,
But the door swung wide and she got a shock!
There on the stairs behind her dear friend
The ugly Minge stood with her hair on end!
There was no mistaking those crooked eyes;
That hideous face which the gods despise!
Hunched like a troll with a midget-like stance
Demons devoured who got into her pants!

Up the stairs with a warning the young woman flew!
To her lover, but alas, there was nothing they could do!
It was in fact, too late for our victim in need.
A living room was chosen as the scene of the deed.
In a house where everyone thought there was peace,
A couch was now tainted with their sex grease.
Never again would those cushions be neat!
No ass would sit upon its plushy seat!
Not after the events that took place upon it.
Everyone would rather find another place to sit!



But at least all could retire to their rooms
And wait out the storm while darkness looms.
But unfortunately that was not to be so,
For laundry was churning far below.
In the depths of the basement where no monsters dwell
Yet it was passed the doings of demons from hell!
A brave warrior set out with a change-over in mind.
He proceeded cautiously, scared of what he might find.
He went to the bathroom simply to scout,
From the abyss he heard a terrible shout!

Terrified, up the stairs he ran.
There he and his lover came up with a plan.
She, brave and noble, would pass through the briar
And succeed in putting the clothes in the dryer!
With stalwart courage she stood up straight
And proceeded to move down into hell’s gate.
Down one flight of stairs she could hear their harsh cries.
Like the sound of a pig right before it dies.
But with a help of a light she slowly moved on.
When she reached the landing her courage was gone.

She scurried right past as fast as she dared.
A muttered apology was all that was spared.
And though I averted my eyes I could see
The shirtless back of a man towards me.
There, against his other side was the creature!
It was well I could make out no other feature!
To the basement I moved with delicate grace.
Trying, in vain, to forget that cruel face!
I stayed in the basement to complete my quest.
Before I set out, I took a brief rest.

The return trip was worse, for the light was still on.
I had secretly hoped they had moved and were gone.
But alas, they still laid in their shameful bed.
The thought gripped my mind; it filled me with dread.
But boldly I would avert my attention away.
And move to my room to see a safer day.
There, to my lover, I swiftly returned.
To describe how badly my friend had been burned.
And there I remained for the rest of the night.
The Minge had gone by the morning’s light.

No Snow Days.

Lehigh! Oh Lehigh!
Can you not think?
And you wonder why we excessively drink.
It's simply because we can't play in the snow.
To class I go! To class I go!

Lehigh! Oh Lehigh!
Can you spare a thought?
And you wonder why we smoke so much pot!
It's simply because we can't play in the snow.
To class I go! To class I go!